IT'S ALWAYS HERE!

My previous very bad week steered me on Monday morning toward a Sedona Method support group. I got involved with “the Method” last summer and have continued to use many of the techniques I learned, but it had been some months since I had been to a group. I felt a bit like an alcoholic who has been skipping meetings.

I was happy to see Elizabeth was facilitating the meeting, having met her some months before. And when the only other person to show up was my friend Debi, I felt very safe and at home. When it was my turn to be taken through a release, I presented a condensed version of the external challenges I had been facing. But the part that was most on my mind was a profound feeling of sadness that I surmised to be some deep wound that I could not exactly name.

Even though I did not present that piece at that time, it is exactly what came up for me during the question and response cycle. Elizabeth kept asking me questions and I kept saying yes. I said yes to allowing the hurt to enter my awareness, and I said yes to letting it leave. I felt what I would call a nice normal release, and then she asked me what I was feeling now.

I said I was feeling calmness. Then she asked me if the calmness had just arrived, or if it had been there all along. I answered without thinking. “It’s always here.” I could not get all the syllables out without choking up. This emotionality was completely unexpected and the tears rolled out of my eyes though I was not sobbing.

I don’t know how long it lasted. It might have been just a flash, but for that instant I was not separate in any way from the others in the room, or any others anywhere for that matter. It was a glimpse of Oneness, and when Elizabeth asked me now what I was feeling – the only word that came to me was “gratitude.”

It is easy for me to understand the presence of God, intellectually. And I embrace the suggested solution to suffering of just stepping into the One Presence; the true self. But the honest experience of this awareness cannot be achieved through effort. This one came as a great gift when it was completely unexpected and there was no effort on my part to get it. It was grace.

Now this is a good example of non-abiding awakening, because I could not maintain this level of awareness indefinitely. But the experience buoyed me for days because of my understanding that peace is at hand and available. And this knowledge still lifts me, even though I have returned to a comparatively mundane existence.

Let me recap. It was difficulty that brought me to this point. And it was absolute surrender that opened me. It helps that I was guided by a conscious gentle being. And I was ready. It was a prophet who once said, “You don’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” Join with me this week in opening to the welcoming of grace in our lives – undefined and unrestricted.  It’s always here!

With a Cherry on Top!

I am celebrating my 10th month in Sedona, and if anyone asks, I say, “I’m from here.” This is my home. It is not bragging for me to say I have not had what could be called a "bad week" since I arrived here last July.

That is not to say, I have not been challenged – I have. And those challenges have required a tremendous amount of inquiry and processing – if not effort and labor. Because the bulk of that work has been internal does not lessen its importance. In fact, it is the internal demons that most stand in the way of our peace and happiness. And it is the internal work that most promises to deliver us from suffering, both inside and out.

So, why did I choose this week to pull an abundance of external challenges into my awareness? I still don’t know why and I may never know. I am okay with not knowing. I have faith that it was all needed for my development and that it is also all in divine order. Though, it occurs to me that I needed to have something more in my awareness for comparison purposes.

I will not detail you to death, here – let me just offer you a slice. My computer crashed on Monday. Okay, the machine is four years old and on its 2nd hard drive. Though I commiserate about the disposability of this technology, I accept it. The laptop had seen me through the most tumultuous years of my life, and it was worn out.

So, when I took the notebook to the Best Buy tech, he tells me there’s nothing on the hard drive to retrieve. Now, I know that can’t be true, because I personally placed over a hundred poems on there . . . and a novel . . . and two screenplays . . . and all my banking. So, don’t tell me there’s nothing there.

The resolution of this challenge was not impossible, it simply required time and attention I had scheduled for work I actually wanted to do. After this event, there was a piling on of external difficulties, including a home visit from a Coconino County officer who wondered if I had forgotten to respond to that photo speeding ticket I had received from them some time ago. I said, “yes.”

Then, the culmination of the week was an unexpected return of a now familiar piece of “shadow” connected to an ancient and deep wounding in me. When it arrived, I said aloud, “Thank you, God!” Because I needed a cherry to sit atop this shit-pile. It seems there was one more layer to this particular point of pain, and the good news is – it feels like the last installment. We will see.

Now, on the first day of a new week – I don’t have hope, I have assurance – that all is well. I am kicking off from the side of the stream and I will let the current take me where it will.

For those of you in the greater Sedona area, I will be reading a new performance-piece poem this Thursday, 5 – 6:30PM, at Java Love Coffee House. It might be good and even have a laugh or two.

The Dreamer and the Medicine Man

Something one of my teachers, Timothy Buzzard, said today sparked a focused remembrance in me. He said, we can all remember the awakening moment in our experience that changed everything – that mandated that we never be able to see or understand anything the same way again.

It took me about two seconds to place the event; for me it was a series of events, but at the time I had no frame of reference for understanding what had happened in my awareness. It took years for me to really understand, though I knew I had been changed.  I knew nothing would ever be the same.

It was the late seventies, and a friend of mine invited me to go with him to the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota to sit in some ceremonies put on by a rather obscure Medicine Man named Dawson No-Horse. At the time I was working in an urban Indian Center in Lincoln, Nebraska and was fascinated with everything Indian. I had already set in on a Native American Church ceremony – listened to the songs, heard the prayers, and even took some peyote. I found the experience empty and uninspiring. The peyote made me sick and I had to leave the ceremony halfway through.

The Lakota ceremonies provided a different insight. I participated in the Inipi (sweat lodge), the Yuwipi and numerous Chanupa (pipe) ceremonies. The details are not needed here. I was a young man, in my early twenties and still attended a traditional Christian church. I was raised in the church, and though I was tolerant and even curious about other religions, I was a true believer.

The Lakota ceremonies did not contradict any of my beliefs, but they surely showed me that the narrow traditions in which I had been raised could not possibly hold all the mysteries. I was forced to question absolutely everything I believed to be true. Up was down. In was out. Black was white. My religion, the belief system in which I had been indoctrinated since birth, was insufficient. There was more to man and God and the Universe, and I was just on the brink of discovery.

I have heard it said that for those who have had a profound supernatural experience, they are of no use in the conventional world. That certainly felt true for me. I could see that I was smart enough and industrious enough to manipulate the world of form in such a way to get money and things – but I could never fully believe in the value of doing so.  I went to work – to get more stuff – but my heart was never in it. All my success in the material world was fleeting. This was often disconcerting to a partner who could also see those possibilities and could not understand that the rewards I sought lacked substance and texture.

The other piece that Timothy provided today is this: once a person has given himself to the process of awakening, the only practical function left for us in the world of form is to be of service. We may be of service to others, or we may purely be of service to Awakening itself.  We are witness to spirit, source, soul, consciousness; whatever you want to call it, waking up to who and what it really is. This is our sacred calling. This is our function on the New Earth.

I am finding that being of service to Awakening can be rewarding, even within the world of form. Maybe a dreamer, a poet, a seeker really can be of use on the planet.

Imagine.

Update on Smokey - the Needy One

I have gotten several requests for an update on Smokey’s progress. As I mentioned before, the dog had many challenges. It is no coincidence that he could not find a home he could keep. I was prepared to deal with all those challenges, including electrifying my gates to try to keep him contained. What I did not foresee was his great dislike for my roommate.

Smokey had a violent reaction to this man from their first encounter. I personally tried to get the two of them together on three different occasions and the dog’s reaction was the same. He wanted to eat my roommate’s face. This situation was puzzling to me given the fact that the dog was so affectionate and friendly toward me. He even warmly greeted the stranger next door who happened by to borrow a yard rake.

The bottom line is this: I returned Smokey to his previous home where he had already closely bounded with Linda. She and her husband have agreed to keep him indefinitely while they attempt to condition him to tolerate their two other elderly dogs. So, Smokey got a nice outing to red rock country and has been returned to a place that will keep and nurture him.

When I returned to my dog-less home, I lit some sage and blessed every corner and hallway. There was a palpable negative energy left behind by Smokey’s deep wounding and the roommate’s misplaced anger. I wish I could say that I had enough personal strength to lift this dog out of its darkness. But, that is unknown to me. All I know is that I was willing to try.

So, now, what do we do with the roommate? The dog gave him a gift; an opportunity to face whatever darkness the dog could see that the rest of us could not. I was blessed during the days I lived with Smokey, to visit with my new friend, Belle, who provides help for humans with the use of her horses. She told me the story of her gentle, docile horse who responded to an individual by laying its ears back, baring its teeth, and charging the person. It sounded very familiar.

It is not evident to me that the roommate will see this as an opportunity for growth and learning. And it is not my responsibility to force the issue. Sometimes we do a disservice by trying to help someone before it is their time to heal or otherwise awaken.

Maybe the lesson is this: absolutely everything that comes into our awareness is invited; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I still have learning to do. I still have growth to experience. I still have a need for loss and rebirth. So I release the wounded dog and the troubled roommate. They will find their way.

We Will Have To Go On Breathing

I have a new dog in my home. Smokey is another rescue dog and we are deciding if he can stay. He has some problems – like jumping six foot fences and attacking other dogs. One of his greatest problems comes from the insecurity he feels for having been shuttled from one temporary home to another over his brief three years of life.

It becomes clear to me that we are both wounded animals. We have both suffered from neglect, rejection, disappointment. Both of us imagine humans have let us down, so we are both healing. The dog needs love, attention, structure and a secure unchanging home life.

For me, it is not so simple. When I feel wounded for experiencing too much loss, I think I must let the hurt rise in my awareness – I think I must go through the entirety of the fire even if the result is to become so much ash. We all know the story of the Phoenix, and I rest in that assurance.

And what of the hurt that rises from giving too much love? Kahil Gibran says that as “love crowns you so shall he crucify you.” He gives you the sustenance to rise to great heights and he descends to the roots of your being to “shake them in their clinging to the earth.”

One of my favorite movies is Castaway with Tom Hanks. I have seen it several times and have watched the ending of it many more times, because it speaks to me. I chanced again upon the ending scenes of this movie yesterday, and I could not look away. Tom’s fiance has remarried and had a child while he was cast away and presumed dead. He reconnects with her and there is a moment in the film when we believe she may leave her family and run away with him, her one true love.

When Tom knows for sure that this reunion will not happen, he accepts it and admits to his also wounded friend that he had also seriously considered suicide while on the island. The thing that saves him in both instances is summed up in the quote that graces the ending.  He says, “I will have to go on breathing, because tomorrow the sun is going to rise, and you never know what the tide will bring you.”

So the jury is still out on Smokey, and it is still out on John Deakyne.  Once again, the experience of loss carves us deep so we may hold more blessing. I cannot imagine what the tide will bring me, for I have been so overwhelmed with wonder and surprise over these last several months. And I am still overwhelmed that I am swimming in a sea of unlimited potential and need only open my mouth and my arms and my heart to receive its gifts.

I will continue to open myself to love’s "enfolding wings" and love’s wounding – and we will see what the next new day will bring.

Coupling On the New Earth

Men and women – women and women – men and men – how are we to be on this New Earth? It seems apparent that all the old patterns no longer apply. They supplied us for a time and their usefulness is done. And, especially for those of us who are starting over, what can we construct that is better than the tired institutions of traditional marriage – traditional relationships?

Many of us are anxious to not repeat the mistakes of the past and to engage with others in a way that supports and blesses. This should not be a new concept, but it is. It is ironic that we hear folks clamoring about the sanctity of traditional marriage when that institution has its roots simply in the transfer of ownership of women from one man to another. Not a great foundation for so-called family values.

And just because Jesus made wine at a wedding does not mean he sanctioned the institution. I’m thinking he was probably so distraught because they sang “Oh Promise Me” that he needed a stiff drink.

I believe there are some relationships in our awareness that are grounded in unconditional love and deep and sacred affection. And many of us, who have failed in the past, are now not willing to accept anything less. We have settled for bits and pieces; we have settled for the half-serving but now we require the greater portion. Nothing else will do.

We do not seek to alter the other who brings us too little – that would be contrary to the value of loving unconditionally. But, here’s the thing: You can still love that other, yet not be willing to remain linked with him/her. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who brings you too little of their time, too little of their affection, too little of their attention.

So we boldly go where none have gone before. We are not seeking our significant other. We are not looking for our soul mate – that is one of the traps that kept us in relationships that did not bless us. We are not in search of someone to complete us – we are complete already. The whole process of coupling takes on a different complexion when we are fully aware of who we are – we are already whole and perfect, so connecting with another does not make us better.

Then why do we couple at all? I have to say it is for the pure joy of sacred union and the blessed heart to heart relationship. We recognize our own unique divinity but we have been dropped into the world of form for a reason – and it seems one of those reasons is to enjoy and appreciate the company of the other. This may be the highest example of love – the recognition of “oneness” in each other. What a beautiful experience it is to look deep into your lover’s eyes and see yourself looking back at you.

Those of you who are maintaining traditional relationships – I challenge you to nurture unconditional love between each other and to view your coupling as a holy sacrament.  I challenge the rest of us to be courageous and to make room for others to appear in our awareness. When you surrender to the undefined appearance of grace in your life, prepare to be “startled by God.”

Wishing You a Happy Death, I Mean Easter

It’s called the Passion of the Christ – this whole week before Easter. It starts with the triumphal entry on Palm Sunday, and then quickly moves into all the imagery, and lessons, and mysteries about death. So, it is no coincidence that this week would focus my awareness upon the individual deaths that must occur within us all – so we may each rise again – reborn.

This week – I have undertaken a personal shift that involved releasing my hold on some of the things in my awareness which I value and desire the most. I will confess that the hardest piece of this journey has been releasing my hold on another person who appeared in my awareness – a significant other – upon whom I have become quite dependent for support, love, and direction.

She is perfect – but, if she would just make this tiniest adjustment – it would make all the difference in our relationship. She is wonderful, but, if she just did this instead of that, we would both be immeasurably happier. Do you see the trap? And can you believe that after all this lifetime of learning – I would still bring in the “monkey-mind” to muck this up. Today, I have to bless it all – even the contracted little self who imagines he can improve on perfection.

This process of self-inquiry and releasing has generated a startling emotionality in me this week. Many of you know that while I have been the “sensitive-new-age-guy” for years, I have not been particularly emotional about it. I can generally sit through a tear-jerker movie and analyze the specific techniques the director and the editor are using to elicit an emotive response – all very tidy and clinical.

So, now cut to the teary guy who gets emotional listening to the heartfelt stories of other folks, and who tears up in his big-ass pickup truck just thinking about a poem or a made-up character in a book. I need to be careful about giving this new entity too much space in my awareness. He is not me, either. But I must need him at this time, to get through this stretch of the journey. When I come out the other side – and I will and soon – I will let teary guy melt away.

My teacher, Rev Mark, reminds me that the one watching all this drama unfold is the one true Self, which is uninjured and unaltered by it all.  He nudges me toward bringing Consciousness into my awareness.  There is an indescribable peace here, and I am grateful for remembering.

So, what does all this have to do with death and Easter week? It is an old idea that is little understood. We must die to our old selves to become our True Selves. This is the basis of being “born again” or re-born; twice born. On a practical level I must release the things I most want to keep – whether that is a relationship or my identification with being one type of person or another.

The story that comes to my mind is of Abraham going up the mountain to sacrifice, read: to kill, his son. It was his giving up the thing he most wanted to keep, in order to be in correct alignment with his higher self – his God. Of course, I want Abraham’s experience, where once his faithfulness is adequately tested – he is rewarded with getting to keep the object of his affection. That story foreshadows the Jesus story, where he must give up the thing he most loves, his life, in order to move into his glory. What are you or I willing to give up, to become our best expression of the Christ?

I have experienced deep loss over the last several years – and I had come to believe all that sacrifice would be rewarded with no longer needing to die. Surprise! It is a continual and constant process. The reward is entering into the grace of discovering and living in your own strength – your own truth. This reward I speak of is of our own resurrection on Easter Sunday.

So my wish for you this Easter and all the Sundays to come – is to be resurrected early and often.

Shifting Out of Suffering

I was witness recently to another piece of a remarkable personal transformation taking place within the being of a dear friend. You won’t read about it in the paper – but you should. It would read:

Local Woman Finished with Healing – Moving into her Power

The reason you should read about it in the paper is because it is so rare – it is one of those “man bites dog” stories. And it was only with later reflecting on this simple truth that the enormity of it hit me.

I accept the reality of this shift because I know her, and it sounds and feels true. So it took me off guard when I mentioned this fact to another friend and it was greeted with disbelief – “How can you ever be finished with healing?” This person was almost angry that someone would make that claim.

Of course, when you or I are down in the depths of our being, seeing only the truth of our deep wounding, it feels unlikely that we will ever be finished with this work. Lately, I have been extra-sensitive to the reality of the suffering that occurs within the multitude of those who enter my awareness. I hear it in their voices; I read it in their faces – their eyes; it cries out to me between the things they say. And all I can offer is compassion and encouragement.

What if I could also offer the assurance that the suffering will end? That there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an oncoming train? What if you just got tired of the darkness – and simply moved into the light?

 One of my teachers, Rev. Mark, reminds me that the root meaning of Suffering is: to allow. The suffering he refers to is the self-inquiry that brings us into a greater awareness of our true being. This is not to be confused with “wallowing” in the muck of the sadness, regret, and self-pity we have unnoticeably pulled into our lives.

 We have been conditioned to enjoy the drama of the dis-ease. This reminds me of another Unity pastor who would periodically get down on one knee and implore his congregation to – “Stop being Stupid!” Many of those in our awareness choose illness over wellness; choose sorrow over joy; choose the chains of depression over the liberating power of moving into our destiny – realizing the reason we were born.

 So, I celebrate my companion who is moving into her strength – her Truth. She is exercising an understanding of the mysteries – the teachings of the master – who says – “Don’t you see? Heaven is in the midst of you.” Your reward is here and now. It is your birthright as a child of God, to move into this before you die. The Almighty has given you a precious gift, and you must not leave it unopened.

 I have no doubt that for my friend, from time to time old patterns will arise and thoughts of fear and self-doubt will return. But, I am also sure there will be no wallowing. She will “notice” their arrival, greet them with compassion – like an old friend, and send them on their way. She is teaching us to be gentle with ourselves, and courageous about accepting the gifts that have been given us.

The Emerging Man

If you are like the majority of human beings, you only occasionally catch glimpses of your True Self – the part of you that is inextricably connected to the Divine – that rests behind that complex construction of what you call your self. This construction is the part of you that was given a name and imagined itself to be a mother or father or daughter or son.

This construction is not who you really are. Your true self peeks around this other being and knows that it alone is the eternal part of you – and none of your pretending or imagining will ever harm it or diminish it.

The spiritual journey is often characterized as moving closer to God, but it would be more accurate to say it is moving closer to the eternal part of you that is permanently connected to God. That is your access point to the Divine – and no one enters the Kingdom of Heaven but through this “anointed” passage way – it is the Christ in you.

You have encountered your True Self when you have had moments of extreme peace and comfort. You have felt it when your fear and worry have melted away and you are unexplainably courageous and confident. You have felt this Self when everything is falling apart but you have the unknowable assurance that everything will be alright. You have felt this Self when you have attuned yourself to hear that “still, small voice” that rescues you from the fear and despair you have invoked.

Maybe you thought it was God extending her grace to you – and in a way it was. More accurately, it is the piece of God you carry around with you – that is available to you at any moment. It is your key to the Kingdom.

This last week, at the writer’s retreat, I had a close encounter with my True Self which I have named the Emerging Man. This occurred when I entered my heart space and let the book that was in me – pour itself out. This man is not a stranger to me, though he has not been prominent in my awareness for some time.

This Emerging Man is the one who writes the books; he is the one who writes most, if not all, of these posts; he is the one who stands up and delivers a surprising performance at the talent show. This man is fearless and courageous; characteristics that were quite foreign to the beaten-down man he is replacing. I have love and compassion for that former self; the old man, but he has stood in the way for far too long. It is time for him to go.

Those of you, who know me well, have seen both of these entities. And the most intuitive of you have been able to see the True Self even when my projection of the beaten down man was at its peak. I love you for that.

Let me make it clear that I have not fully emerged – it is a process. At the writer’s retreat I came down with a case of Bronchitis – I was literally trying to cough up – to purge – the old man. I have shared with some of you that I think I still have maybe a leg and a foot left to expel. So I am far better off than at the retreat, when the alien was trying to break through my chest.

In my quest for transparency, let me divulge the inner workings of the writer and the blogger here: I am quite happy with the concept of the Emerging Man and know it will somehow end up in a later book. Now, although the “beaten down man” accurately describes my former self, I am not happy with that label. It is too long, it is too narrow, and it is way too sad. And though I have already assigned a friend to find a new title for him – now I am thinking he might simply be called “the alien.” If you think you can do better than that – post a comment with your suggestion. Kindness is not required – I have no particular affection for the former self – even though for many years I mistakenly believed him to be me. With that in mind, know that “the Dirty Smelly Bastard” has already been considered and eliminated.

Post Script: The first draft of the novella, “The Tower Card”, was finished in about five days. We are working on the revision and hope to have something ready to publish in just a few weeks. I have started writing the next novel in the series which has the working title, “The Lovers.”

Do Not Let Me Forget

Dear Friends,

This is my birthday blog; I glance absently out my study window toward the east where I know the sun will rise momentarily over those red cliffs; a robin lands on the dead Juniper outside my window heralding the arrival of spring and absolute newness; the sky is a “blue ovule ready to hatch.” I have logged 56 years in this body.

This is the first time in many years that I have observed or celebrated a birthday, because this year I am not marking time, and I am not filled with regret. I cannot reclaim the lost years and the missed opportunities; I can only move forward fearlessly claiming the immeasurable gifts that come with being present and available. I can’t remember being this happy, ever!

Tomorrow I begin an eight-day writing workshop that promises to help remove the blocks to my creativity and ability to complete and finish my novel. I am so ready for this I am giddy.  Yes, this is me . . . giddy.  And I put myself on notice, with you all as witnesses, that I will complete the 2nd and final draft of my novel before the end of the year. You may inquire about my progress and lift me should I falter.

I have made some wonderful new friends here and I have taken measures this year to try to reconnect with many others I have either lost or neglected. No one I have reached out to has turned me down. You have stretched out your arms to me and said, “John, where you been? Welcome home.”

As I begin to understand my connection with Solitude and peacefully accept it, I have a new appreciation for friends and family. That is why I said to my dear friend, “Do not let me forget, because in the past I have been wasteful.” I will no longer be wasteful of love and friendship.

I am taking many things into the workshop for my assistance. I will take in the understanding that I had to sleepwalk through many of my past years so that now I can more fully appreciate my awakening. And If I grow tired and run out of words, I will touch my hand to my heart center – because I carry you there – and you will give me strength.

This workshop requires the writer make an opening in his heart to allow a connection to the Divine and to facilitate the free flow of creativity. That has been my work here in Sedona these past months so I am more than ready. I am hearing the line from Groucho Marx, “If I was any closer, I’d be behind you.”

One more point about this part of the road. In his class on “Abundance” Mark Pope asked us, as we wrote down the items that encompass our heart’s desire, to move toward the things that scare us. Today, moving into my role as a writer is not so scary. What is more scary is leaving the other stuff behind: the busy-ness of life that kept me so long from being true to my Self no matter what the consequences.

So, do not hesitate and do not fear. Consider the lilies of the field. And seek first the kingdom of Heaven (surrendering to the reason you were born), and everything else will be added unto you. The sun has risen as predicted. Grace is upon us. Happy birthday to me!

The Dirty Smelly Child

We all have work to do. An old friend once famously proclaimed, “Hey, we’re all f****ed up.” It is all too human to doubt, to fear, to judge. These voices that come to unwittingly sabotage our happiness we have called The Ego, The Little Me, My Parental Tapes, the Wounded Child, and now – The Shadow. Shadow because this part of the self is mostly hidden, and often operates on a subconscious or unconscious level.

It is helpful for me to visualize and name this shadow-self. To me it is a "wounded child", and he is no longer dark to me. We have been in the process of releasing, forgiving, and blessing, starting with the most obvious items: those others whom we have imagined to have wronged us. I have been working to dissolve the outer layers, and every time I make a breakthrough, I discover something else hidden underneath.

At the bottom of the heap, I find the dirty smelly child. This is the culprit who has caused me so much pain throughout this lifetime. In the past, when he has raised his head, I have shoved him back down. I imagine the “Wack-a-Mole” at the amusement park. Repeatedly I have successfully pressed this presence down so it would not contaminate my conscious self; my thinking.  I did not realize I was pushing him out of my consciousness into my unconsciousness where he could do as he pleased without constraint. OOPS!

How much better it is to hold the dirty smelly child in your consciousness (however disgusting he may be) where you can “notice” him and not be “ruled” by him. This part of me was born in my early childhood when I lived in a house full of women, Mother and sisters, and a Dad who did not have the capability of playing with me. I wanted someone to throw a ball, or wrestle, or play army games. No surprise that my dainty sisters did not oblige. I felt like they excluded me, but the truth is I wanted them to be boys; it’s not their fault they were so girly. And I did not have the intelligence as a little boy to even understand it; I was just hurt – wounded. This seemingly small thing morphed into a force that would negatively affect my relationships with others for years.

It is important to remember that children are stupid. Too harsh? Sorry. Yes, children may be wise beyond their years, but still we would not trust them to make adult decisions or even care for themselves. Yet we allow this force, developed in childhood to rule our lives. And we all have one of these. Even if yours is not so dirty and grimy as mine, you still have one. It’s not my sister’s fault that I felt lonely, or my parents fault for not noticing. I created this reality on my own and it exists ONLY in my awareness – between my ears – never outside of myself – and I have ultimate power over it. You would never leave it to an ill-informed, irrational, illogical child to make major adult decisions for you – but we do. Those are the fears that keep us in jobs we don’t love, in behaviors that rob us of our peace; that keep us in toxic unions and out of relationships that bless us; that keep us chained to patterns of belief that prevent a vital soulful experience in this life.

Today I know it does no good at all to push down the wounded child; to suppress it, to ignore it. I have to let it rise into my consciousness; into a place where it can do no harm. It will not go away if you simply ignore it.  This is the hardest part, because this entity has hurt you mightily over the years and it does not love you; it cannot love you because that’s not where love comes from. True love comes from the divine through your conscious self, and this is the secret weapon you have that might start to “dissolve” the influence of this shadow-self. My friend recently described this action as holding the shadow close. Mine is dirty and smelly, but I hold it close. Little by little he becomes less disgusting. He is calmed by this attention; and the action of my loving and blessing here is transformative.

This kind of work is what Mark Pope calls alchemical. You transform yourself, and you begin to transform the world you perceive. In reality you are constructing a world that is kinder, more peaceful, more loving, and dog-on-it fun! Do you know this is the stuff we have in common with the Divine?! This creative potential and ability. That is exactly how we are created in the image of God! So why not create something amazing?

Making Room

Dear friends,

I have been sorely conflicted with what to do with this blog, so I have not posted anything since Christmas. Funny that this has been a very prolific time for my writing and my personal growth, I have just not understood what or how I should share with you.

This venture had a simple goal: to chronicle my own spiritual path. I have anticipated since the beginning that I was entering some sort of awakening experience, and that has certainly come to pass. Let me try to stay close to my original intention which is to tell you my story in a way that is instructive but not preachy. Please tell me if I cross the line.

Now, to the good stuff. You are all familiar with the technique of clearing the clutter out of your house, your office, your mind in order to make room for new, good things to arrive. I invite you to join with me in the New Year to take this task seriously. I do not need to show you that this is an effective practice – it should be self-evident. This is, of course, easier to do with your house than with your SELF. But, often your internal working will start to follow what it sees outside itself, so it is good to start with the externals.

Here in Sedona, I have been working with a community that is practicing the release of internal fears, resentment, anxiety, restrictions. We have been doing this work to make room for abundance to flow into our lives. We are inviting abundance in the form of money, relationships, happiness and peace. Our intentions must be pure and not contaminated by the often dominant and ego-serving goals of the world of form. But, we work, live and play in the world of form – we do not deny it, however temporary it may be. So we bless the field; this is where we reside while we work to redeem this soul and this planet.

I have been tempted over the past weeks to try to define more accurately just what my abundance should look like. I feel like I could put to good use the arrival of more money, I feel like I could make use of some opportunity to publish my writing, maybe there is a perfect job out there where I would be fully utilized and valued.  Rev. Mark did a series of lessons and teachings on the topic of abundance where he practically promised I would discover my heart’s desire. But, I believe my head has been too much involved in defining the needs of my heart.

So this week I have been putting my energy into releasing . . . everything: the good, the bad, the ugly. I will talk with you next time about my encounters with the dirty, smelly child that lives in me; but for now, let me leave it that we have made room in my heart for abundance. And when I have not been able to predetermine the size and the shape that gift should take, the Universe decides to surprise me with something I never expected: grace.

Additionally, my wintering hummingbirds have returned. They went away in the Fall, no doubt they received a better offer: sweeter nectar, cleaner feeders. Now I’ve cleared off the patio, swept the tiles, prepared my heart for visitors. And one morning he appears, hovering in the morning sunlight, a flash of red; then into the shadow of the eave, to feed.

Next week: The Shadow